“Give Me a Sign!”

…I left Michael's house with much to consider. Driving home, memories and longing overcame me. I hadn't seen my family for years. I wasn't sure I could even clearly remember my mother's face. I had only pictures reminding me of the loving family I left behind...

My confusion didn't abate. I wavered between Judaism and Christianity, between longing for Israel and my life in America.

Had I lost my identity? I yearned for a clear sign, I was so confused… these thoughts plagued me for weeks.

One day, on my way home, the radio reported a solar eclipse was expected momentarily. As usual, I switched on a Rod Stewart tape.

Driving along, I watched the eclipse. Emotions flooded me. In the mirror I saw a man with damp cheeks, on the verge of tears. I experienced such pain only twice before: In the army when I lost a dear friend, and when my father died when I was nine.

I started praying, or rather, personally addressing G-d:

"I'm in the middle of life," I said "and I have no strength… I see no point in continuing in such confusion. I'd like to ask a small favor: I can't live with this conflict anymore. I'm torn. My whole life I sought you, so maybe, could you help me find you? I've tried so many ways and I'm lost – I don't know which is right. Please help me!"

I stopped at a church and went in. Paintings and statues adorned the walls.

"Lord," I whispered, "I don't know if you have a beard and sidelocks, if you're a Tibetan monk or if you wear a cross. Please be clearer… If you want contact, tell me – prove it!" My tears flowed. "Give me a sign! How should I live? What do you want of me?"

I reached home, exhausted. I washed my face, trying not to think. ‘I won't fidget with the TV remote - I'll watch whatever comes on,’ I thought.

I turned on the TV, and what do I see? A rabbi! I was shocked. I knew of no Jewish programming. He pointed an accusing finger and said: “You, the Jew sitting at home! Don't think G-d didn't hear your prayers…G-d hears all Jews' prayers!"

Frightened, I turned off the TV. After a long shower, I got in bed but couldn't sleep. At 2 am, tired of tossing and turning, I decided to take a flight along the beach. I drove to the airplane lot.

Heading home, I stopped at a pizza place. A homeless man was poking through the trash. From the car, I signaled he get in, inviting him for pizza. It occured to me that the proof I demanded of G-d depended on me proving I was really asking. I'll show him I have mercy for his sake, and maybe he will for mine… I wanted spiritual mercy, but I had to give mercy as I could.

The poor man looked astonished, then got in.

The rest, my dear readers - next time.